Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Not so happy holidays
I'm struggling. I still haven't put up a tree or done any decorating. I'm just not sure if I can. I should have a baby here for Christmas. It's just so not fair. It breaks my heart just to think of it. I've tried to explain my feelings to people and tried to reach out but not many people understand how I feel. I read somewhere that the firsts are always hard - the first holiday, the first birthday, the anniversary. I just can't express how true that is. But, for me on top of the first holiday I have my daughter's due date - December 22nd. I was so excited that I was getting a baby for Christmas. Now all that excitement has turned into sadness. Some days I can function and move on, others it's like it all hits me again and I can't breathe. I just don't know what to do.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
The Mourner's Bill of Rights
Passing this on.
The Mourner's Bill of Rights
by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.
Though you should reach out to others as you do the work of mourning, you should not feel obligated to accept the unhelpful responses you may receive from some people. You are the one who is grieving, and as such, you have certain "rights" no one should try to take away from you.
The following list is intended both to empower you to heal and to decide how others can and cannot help. This is not to discourage you from reaching out to others for help, but rather to assist you in distinguishing useful responses from hurtful ones.
1. You have the right to experience your own unique grief.
No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. So, when you turn to others for help, don't allow them to tell what you should or should not be feeling.
2. You have the right to talk about your grief.
Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk as much as you want, as often as you want, about your grief. If at times you don't feel like talking, you also have the right to be silent.
3. You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions.
Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Others may try to tell you that feeling angry, for example, is wrong. Don't take these judgmental responses to heart. Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings without condition.
4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits.
Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. And don't allow others to push you into doing things you don't feel ready to do.
5. You have the right to experience "grief bursts."
Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can be frightening, but is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out.
6. You have the right to make use of ritual.
The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. More importantly, the funeral is a way for you to mourn. If others tell you the funeral or other healing rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don't listen.
7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality.
If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God, find someone to talk with
who won't be critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment.
8. You have the right to search for meaning.
You may find yourself asking, "Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why now?" Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. And watch out for the clichéd responses some people may give you. Comments like, "It was God's will" or "Think of what you have to be thankful for" are not helpful and you do
not have to accept them.
9. You have the right to right to treasure your memories.
Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories, find others with whom you can share them.
10. You have the right to move toward your grief and heal.
Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.
The Mourner's Bill of Rights
by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.
Though you should reach out to others as you do the work of mourning, you should not feel obligated to accept the unhelpful responses you may receive from some people. You are the one who is grieving, and as such, you have certain "rights" no one should try to take away from you.
The following list is intended both to empower you to heal and to decide how others can and cannot help. This is not to discourage you from reaching out to others for help, but rather to assist you in distinguishing useful responses from hurtful ones.
1. You have the right to experience your own unique grief.
No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. So, when you turn to others for help, don't allow them to tell what you should or should not be feeling.
2. You have the right to talk about your grief.
Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk as much as you want, as often as you want, about your grief. If at times you don't feel like talking, you also have the right to be silent.
3. You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions.
Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Others may try to tell you that feeling angry, for example, is wrong. Don't take these judgmental responses to heart. Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings without condition.
4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits.
Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. And don't allow others to push you into doing things you don't feel ready to do.
5. You have the right to experience "grief bursts."
Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can be frightening, but is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out.
6. You have the right to make use of ritual.
The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. More importantly, the funeral is a way for you to mourn. If others tell you the funeral or other healing rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don't listen.
7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality.
If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God, find someone to talk with
who won't be critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment.
8. You have the right to search for meaning.
You may find yourself asking, "Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why now?" Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. And watch out for the clichéd responses some people may give you. Comments like, "It was God's will" or "Think of what you have to be thankful for" are not helpful and you do
not have to accept them.
9. You have the right to right to treasure your memories.
Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories, find others with whom you can share them.
10. You have the right to move toward your grief and heal.
Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.
Monday, November 23, 2009
What is wrong with people?
I've been holding everything in to make others more comfortable. It's starting to boil over. The smallest things are making my eyes well up with tears, but I choke them back. Nobody wants me to talk about my babies outside of a very small few. Most people are just so uncomfortable with it. It breaks my heart that I can't talk about my angels.
In my excitement over possibly fostering/adopting I started telling everyone. I was given a very rude awakening. Honestly, only about 3 people were happy about it. Talk about disturbing and heartbreaking. Several said some really hurtful and stupid things. A couple did everything they could to talk me out of it.
Let me give some examples:
1. "why don't you just try to get pregnant again" - I lost two babies in less than a year. One miscarriage and one stillbirth. I'm afraid of getting pregnant again. We don't know if I will be able to carry to term. My doctor tested the placenta from Grace's birth and told me that it was a blood clot. He didn't test any further. We don't know if it will happen again. I don't think I can handle losing another baby. Anyone would be scared. I want my own children but I don't know if I will ever be ready for pregnancy again. I go back and forth on this a lot.
2. "so you're just giving up? but you can get pregnant, that's half the battle" So, you're an idiot. Getting pregnant may be half the battle, but having a healthy baby is the other. I'm not exactly giving up, I'm just changing strategy.
3. "are you sure you can afford a child?" This comment set me on fire. Nobody said anything like this when I was pregnant. Nobody. We had NOTHING ready for a baby. We want to adopt an older child out of the state foster system not an infant. We have almost everything we'd need for an older child. Besides, there is very little cost involved in adoption through the state as compared to a private agency. But I'd love to know can anyone REALLY afford a child? There's always going to be some "sticker shock" involved here. I've been researching this for 10 years, I'm not completely unaware.
4. "foster kids are holy terrors, I don't think you can handle it" So? All kids are terrors at some point, myself included. My husband and I have both had very hard lives. He was a foster kid, abused, neglected. I saw a lot of death and emotional abuse. We both came out of our childhoods a little scared and broken. I think we can understand and relate to these kids better than most. The biggest thing they need is love and compassion. I think we can handle that. And just for the record, if I knew of a woman who had an unplanned pregnancy and wanted a private adoption - I'd be all over that. But unfortunately I don't. Most people I have heard of in those situations give the child to a family member.
5. "why don't you just get a surrogate?" We have talked about this. We don't have the money for it. That's thousands of dollars just out of the starting gate, on top of everything else involved such as finding a woman we trust to do it, the legal fees, ect. Plus I have a giant fear that she'd change her mind and try to keep the child.
I have contacted the state to get information about fostering/adopting. From my reading it will take 5 months give or take for the home study and classes. So, who knows what would happen during that time?
But seriously, why are so many people trying to talk us out of doing something so beautiful? I have always wanted to adopt in addition to having my own children. There are so many children out there who want nothing more than a family to love them and care for them. I do have the capacity to love a child who isn't my own as if they were my own. I have a lot of love to give and want to give a child a second chance at having a loving family. I don't really see why so many people think it's not something I should do?
In my excitement over possibly fostering/adopting I started telling everyone. I was given a very rude awakening. Honestly, only about 3 people were happy about it. Talk about disturbing and heartbreaking. Several said some really hurtful and stupid things. A couple did everything they could to talk me out of it.
Let me give some examples:
1. "why don't you just try to get pregnant again" - I lost two babies in less than a year. One miscarriage and one stillbirth. I'm afraid of getting pregnant again. We don't know if I will be able to carry to term. My doctor tested the placenta from Grace's birth and told me that it was a blood clot. He didn't test any further. We don't know if it will happen again. I don't think I can handle losing another baby. Anyone would be scared. I want my own children but I don't know if I will ever be ready for pregnancy again. I go back and forth on this a lot.
2. "so you're just giving up? but you can get pregnant, that's half the battle" So, you're an idiot. Getting pregnant may be half the battle, but having a healthy baby is the other. I'm not exactly giving up, I'm just changing strategy.
3. "are you sure you can afford a child?" This comment set me on fire. Nobody said anything like this when I was pregnant. Nobody. We had NOTHING ready for a baby. We want to adopt an older child out of the state foster system not an infant. We have almost everything we'd need for an older child. Besides, there is very little cost involved in adoption through the state as compared to a private agency. But I'd love to know can anyone REALLY afford a child? There's always going to be some "sticker shock" involved here. I've been researching this for 10 years, I'm not completely unaware.
4. "foster kids are holy terrors, I don't think you can handle it" So? All kids are terrors at some point, myself included. My husband and I have both had very hard lives. He was a foster kid, abused, neglected. I saw a lot of death and emotional abuse. We both came out of our childhoods a little scared and broken. I think we can understand and relate to these kids better than most. The biggest thing they need is love and compassion. I think we can handle that. And just for the record, if I knew of a woman who had an unplanned pregnancy and wanted a private adoption - I'd be all over that. But unfortunately I don't. Most people I have heard of in those situations give the child to a family member.
5. "why don't you just get a surrogate?" We have talked about this. We don't have the money for it. That's thousands of dollars just out of the starting gate, on top of everything else involved such as finding a woman we trust to do it, the legal fees, ect. Plus I have a giant fear that she'd change her mind and try to keep the child.
I have contacted the state to get information about fostering/adopting. From my reading it will take 5 months give or take for the home study and classes. So, who knows what would happen during that time?
But seriously, why are so many people trying to talk us out of doing something so beautiful? I have always wanted to adopt in addition to having my own children. There are so many children out there who want nothing more than a family to love them and care for them. I do have the capacity to love a child who isn't my own as if they were my own. I have a lot of love to give and want to give a child a second chance at having a loving family. I don't really see why so many people think it's not something I should do?
Friday, November 20, 2009
Fostering / Adopting
I just sent an iquiry to the state about becoming a foster/adoptive parent. I just feel deep in my heart that this is the right thing to do. After praying hard on it this is is just how I feel.
There are two little girls that just jump out at me. One is 10 and the other is 15. I'd love to be a mom to them and give them a loving home. They have similar backgrounds as me and I truly feel that I could give them positive guidance.
Pray for us that everything goes smoothly.
There are two little girls that just jump out at me. One is 10 and the other is 15. I'd love to be a mom to them and give them a loving home. They have similar backgrounds as me and I truly feel that I could give them positive guidance.
Pray for us that everything goes smoothly.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Saturday, October 24, 2009
How I see my babies
How do you see or imagine your baby/ies now that you do not have them with you?
Every day I think about what my girls would be like now. But, I know that they're happy and that they're together. I just know that in my heart. I imagine them with my Mom and my brother, Eric. I can just see them crawling up into my Mom's lap and listening to a story or them running around playing tag with Eric.
A few weeks ago I had a dream. We were in a house, not the one I am in now, a different place. I was giving Grace a bath. She had big sparkly eyes and curly brown hair. She was so cute with her chubby cheeks. She was splashing in the water and loved her rubber ducky. She stood up and put her arms around my neck and hugged me and kissed my cheek. I turned around and I saw Annabelle. She had long, straight brown hair and hazel eyes like mine. I dressed Grace. Then Annabelle said it was time for them go to. My girls hugged me and kissed me and told me that they loved me then they turned from the room and left. I looked through the open door into the back yard and there was a little boy playing in a sandbox. He looked up at smiled. I took that to mean my girls my have left but they're going to send me their brother. That dream helped me to feel closer to my girls and it gave me some hope for another child.
Now when I think of my girls I see them as I did in that dream. Happy, healthy and absolutely beautiful. I pray every night that I'll get to have another dream of them.
Every day I think about what my girls would be like now. But, I know that they're happy and that they're together. I just know that in my heart. I imagine them with my Mom and my brother, Eric. I can just see them crawling up into my Mom's lap and listening to a story or them running around playing tag with Eric.
A few weeks ago I had a dream. We were in a house, not the one I am in now, a different place. I was giving Grace a bath. She had big sparkly eyes and curly brown hair. She was so cute with her chubby cheeks. She was splashing in the water and loved her rubber ducky. She stood up and put her arms around my neck and hugged me and kissed my cheek. I turned around and I saw Annabelle. She had long, straight brown hair and hazel eyes like mine. I dressed Grace. Then Annabelle said it was time for them go to. My girls hugged me and kissed me and told me that they loved me then they turned from the room and left. I looked through the open door into the back yard and there was a little boy playing in a sandbox. He looked up at smiled. I took that to mean my girls my have left but they're going to send me their brother. That dream helped me to feel closer to my girls and it gave me some hope for another child.
Now when I think of my girls I see them as I did in that dream. Happy, healthy and absolutely beautiful. I pray every night that I'll get to have another dream of them.
The Secret Garden Meeting - August Meeting
If you created a bedroom for your baby tell us what it was like.
Did you have it ready for them before they were born?
If so how did you cope coming home to it without your baby?
Did you pack it all away?
What is your baby's room now?
If you lost your baby after they had come home what is it like going into there room now?
If you are trying to conceive again, or are pregnant again how do you feel about setting up another room before your baby is born?
We didn't have a room ready for Grace. We lost her at 20w. We'd gotten several things together and were planning on putting her room together within the month we lost her. My cousin Jessica had given us a bassinet. We'd bought diapers, a diaper bag, a lot of toys, blankets and outfits. We were going to repaint my baby dresser and chifferobe that we had in storage. We thought that we had time. We thought that since we'd hit 20w that we were safe. We'd waited until around that time to buy anything because we were afraid we'd jinx ourselves.
Coming home from the hospital without a baby was so hard. It just felt wrong. All I had to hold on to was a memory box. All of the things we'd bought for Grace were in our den and after I came home from the hospital we put it all away in another room. Daniel bought a little pink hat and matching booties for her and it broke his heart to put them away. When she was born she was too tiny for them. It hurts my heart to look at them now.
We're trying again. I'm afraid of trying gather things for a nursery. I'm afraid that I'll jinx myself somehow. Once I'm pregnant again I may feel differently, who knows. I just hope that next time I'll be able to bring my baby home alive instead of in an urn. All healthy baby is all I ask for.
The Secret Garden Meeting - September Meeting
What has helped you through out this new life the most. Is it your family? your faith? Support groups? A ritual? Music? Physical activity? A new interest? It could be anything. Tell us about how whatever it is has helped you. Please feel free to share photo's,videos, websites, support group information and so on.
It hasn't been that long since we lost Grace. But it really feels like it was just a dream. At first I couldn't function. I did put on a great act for everyone though. Nobody really knew just how bad I really was. I tried reading but I just couldn't focus enough. My mind would wander and I'd end up reading the same line over and over.
I started reaching out to people on the internet. Online support was all I really had - DailyStrength.com, the grief and loss board on WhatToExpect.com. My husband was there but he wasn't really there. He was just grieving in a different way and couldn't be there for me as I needed. I found a Compassionate Friends group and attending there has been a blessing. Talking to people who understand my loss has really helped me. I guess I really needed to know that I wasn't alone and that someone out there understood me.
Writing has probably been my biggest help. Blogging, journaling, poetry. Being able to write out my feelings - just getting them out of my head. I've found that through my writing I've been able to help others on their path to healing and that helps me in return.
It hasn't been that long since we lost Grace. But it really feels like it was just a dream. At first I couldn't function. I did put on a great act for everyone though. Nobody really knew just how bad I really was. I tried reading but I just couldn't focus enough. My mind would wander and I'd end up reading the same line over and over.
I started reaching out to people on the internet. Online support was all I really had - DailyStrength.com, the grief and loss board on WhatToExpect.com. My husband was there but he wasn't really there. He was just grieving in a different way and couldn't be there for me as I needed. I found a Compassionate Friends group and attending there has been a blessing. Talking to people who understand my loss has really helped me. I guess I really needed to know that I wasn't alone and that someone out there understood me.
Writing has probably been my biggest help. Blogging, journaling, poetry. Being able to write out my feelings - just getting them out of my head. I've found that through my writing I've been able to help others on their path to healing and that helps me in return.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
A pink stocking
Tonight Daniel and I went out to pick up some things we needed for the house. The store we were in had some Christmas decorations out so I went to check them out. I saw a pink stocking that said "Baby's First Christmas" on it. I felt so sad seeing it. Neither of my girls will get to have a stocking. I told Daniel that I would still like to buy a stocking for the girls and he said "Why? They're not here." It made me even sadder. He's ok with me getting an ornament for them but that's all. I've been going back and forth on even decorating this year. His comment made me lean even more towards skipping the holiday.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
a letter
My dear darling girls,
I miss you and love you so very much. I wish you were both here. Every day I hope that I'll wake up and you will be here with me. My arms feel so empty.
When I see Mommies with their new babies I always feel a pang of jealousy. I always wonder how life would be if I had you here. Would I have that kind of car seat for you? Would you like that toy? Would you be that big? Would you cry like that?
Each day I try to do something to make you proud of me. Some days it's just getting dressed, others it's making it through the day without crying. I want you two to live through me.
I hope that you're keeping MawMaw Cheryl and Uncle Eric busy. Your Great Grandma Bonnie should be there with you now. I know that they're all happy to have you with them. I hope that MawMaw Cheryl has told you all about me. Did she tell you that I named you both after her?
You two are my heart. Daddy I love you both more than anything.
I'll see you in my dreams,
Mommy
I miss you and love you so very much. I wish you were both here. Every day I hope that I'll wake up and you will be here with me. My arms feel so empty.
When I see Mommies with their new babies I always feel a pang of jealousy. I always wonder how life would be if I had you here. Would I have that kind of car seat for you? Would you like that toy? Would you be that big? Would you cry like that?
Each day I try to do something to make you proud of me. Some days it's just getting dressed, others it's making it through the day without crying. I want you two to live through me.
I hope that you're keeping MawMaw Cheryl and Uncle Eric busy. Your Great Grandma Bonnie should be there with you now. I know that they're all happy to have you with them. I hope that MawMaw Cheryl has told you all about me. Did she tell you that I named you both after her?
You two are my heart. Daddy I love you both more than anything.
I'll see you in my dreams,
Mommy
Their stories
I have PCOS. I had surgery August 1st, 2008 to correct some of the problems I had with it. My doctor put me on Clomid to assist us in getting pregnant. We'd tried for so long to have a baby I just never thought I'd ever get pregnant.
Annabelle:
We found out we were pregnant with our first baby December 30th 2008. We weren't expecting it. I'd been at the doctor because my period hadn't shown up and he told me to take a pregnancy test at home, if it was negative to start estrogen. I was shocked beyond words when it said "pregnant". I had the pregnancy confirmed with the doctor the next day. We had our ultrasound on January 6th. We lost the baby January 8th, 2009 at 9w3d. We named the baby Annabelle since we felt in our hearts that it was a girl. Her due date was August 11th, 2009.
Grace's Story:
We got our second BFP (big fat positive) April 15th - between our birthdays mine is the 11th and Daniel's is the 17th. It was the best birthday present ever. My due date was December 22nd. Every ultrasound showed that the baby was right on schedule. At the 17 week appointment we were supposed to find out the baby’s gender. But baby was being hard to get along with and wouldn’t uncross its legs. They said that the baby was measuring two weeks behind and I didn’t understand it. Two days later was the complete ultrasound where they do all the measurements and check for abnormalities. Baby finally showed us the goods, and we found out it was a girl. I was so happy, we wanted a girl. My next appointment was three weeks later, at 20 weeks - August 10th, the day before Annabelle's due date. I went alone since Daniel had to work. The doctor couldn’t find the heartbeat with the hand Doppler. I was supposed to have blood drawn but I was sent straight to ultrasound. The tech started the test and then mumbled something and ran out of the room. She came back in with the doctor and his assistant. The doctor did the test and then the world stopped, he said “April, I’m sorry but she’s gone . I was in shock and it took a minute for it to sink in. The doctor stayed with me and let me cry on his shoulder. They asked if there was anyone they could call and I told them I only had Daniel and he was working. I said I’d drive to the store and tell him. The doctor told me that I was to go to the hospital and have the specialist confirm and afterward I was to come back to the doctor’s office to work on the next step. I started sobbing and my only thought was that I had to tell Daniel. Once I was alright to drive I went to Daniel and told him the news. He took the rest of the day off work and took me to the hospital. They confirmed that our little girl was in fact passed away. I felt like my entire world had paused. We went back to the doctor’s office. The doctor said that the baby was too big for a D&C and he wanted to give me a week to see if I’d go into labor on my own. If not then we’d schedule an induction. It was horrific knowing that I’d have to carry my baby longer knowing that she was gone. A week went by and I still hadn’t gone into labor. The doctor couldn’t schedule me for induction for another week so I was to go into the hospital on the 21st. I was given two pills to take at home to start labor and I was to be at the hospital at 6am that Friday. I took one pill at 6pm Thursday night and the labor started. I took the next one at 530am Friday and went to the hospital. The labor came on very hard and fast and I didn’t get any pain medication. They expected me to be in labor much longer and as the nurse came in for the epidural the baby was already in the birth canal. Grace Ann Andrews was born Friday August 21st at 9am. There was a heartbreaking silence where there should have been a baby’s cry. The doctor and nurses spoke in hushed tones. The doctor instructed one of the nurses to take the placenta and send it for testing. He said just by looking at everything that he couldn’t see a reason why she had passed. Our little angel weighed 4 ounces and was 6 inches long. She was very red since her skin was still transparent at the stage of development she was in. Our little girl was so tiny that she fit in one hand. She had perfect little hands and perfect little feet and the cutest toes. I was amazed at her. I think she had her daddy’s nose and my face shape. The nurses said she had very long legs and would have been tall. She was a tiny, perfect little angel. I held her for a few moments then I had to rest. It was just exhausting. Later they brought her back into the room with us and we both held her. Her daddy cried holding her. The hospital gave us a memory box with a few little baby items in it – two infant hats, a shawl, a journal, hospital bracelets and a card with her footprints. We took some photos of her wrapped in the little shawl.
We made the choice to have her cremated. She was cremated with her little bunny doll and her pink bunny blanket. Her daddy picked out her urn, a blue heart with a silver rose on it. We liked it because it was the same blue as her eyes. It is tiny and fits in one hand, just like Grace. Her funeral was on August 27th at 2pm with Father Tom Wood officiating. The funeral home set up a table for us with a pretty cloth to set her urn on. We set out a photo of her in a frame that her daddy picked out. We sat out her shawl and her footprint card for people to see. The funeral director presented me with her urn before setting it on the table. The priest blessed it. The service was short. 12 people came to honor our daughter. The funeral home gave us the guest registry and matching cards that were printed with Precious Moments Angels. Afterward we were able to bring her ashes home.
Right now Grace’s ashes are sitting on our dresser next to her framed photo. We bought a bunny doll just like the one she was cremated with and it sits next to her photo. A friend gave us a tiny angel bear and it now sits with Grace's things.
At my follow up appointment the doctor informed us that they had found a blood clot in her cord. He didn’t know why it happened. He put me on aspirin and said during our next pregnancy that I would have to take blood thinners.
Despite all of this we're still hoping for a miracle baby. I know that my girls will send us their little sibling.
Annabelle:
We found out we were pregnant with our first baby December 30th 2008. We weren't expecting it. I'd been at the doctor because my period hadn't shown up and he told me to take a pregnancy test at home, if it was negative to start estrogen. I was shocked beyond words when it said "pregnant". I had the pregnancy confirmed with the doctor the next day. We had our ultrasound on January 6th. We lost the baby January 8th, 2009 at 9w3d. We named the baby Annabelle since we felt in our hearts that it was a girl. Her due date was August 11th, 2009.
Grace's Story:
We got our second BFP (big fat positive) April 15th - between our birthdays mine is the 11th and Daniel's is the 17th. It was the best birthday present ever. My due date was December 22nd. Every ultrasound showed that the baby was right on schedule. At the 17 week appointment we were supposed to find out the baby’s gender. But baby was being hard to get along with and wouldn’t uncross its legs. They said that the baby was measuring two weeks behind and I didn’t understand it. Two days later was the complete ultrasound where they do all the measurements and check for abnormalities. Baby finally showed us the goods, and we found out it was a girl. I was so happy, we wanted a girl. My next appointment was three weeks later, at 20 weeks - August 10th, the day before Annabelle's due date. I went alone since Daniel had to work. The doctor couldn’t find the heartbeat with the hand Doppler. I was supposed to have blood drawn but I was sent straight to ultrasound. The tech started the test and then mumbled something and ran out of the room. She came back in with the doctor and his assistant. The doctor did the test and then the world stopped, he said “April, I’m sorry but she’s gone . I was in shock and it took a minute for it to sink in. The doctor stayed with me and let me cry on his shoulder. They asked if there was anyone they could call and I told them I only had Daniel and he was working. I said I’d drive to the store and tell him. The doctor told me that I was to go to the hospital and have the specialist confirm and afterward I was to come back to the doctor’s office to work on the next step. I started sobbing and my only thought was that I had to tell Daniel. Once I was alright to drive I went to Daniel and told him the news. He took the rest of the day off work and took me to the hospital. They confirmed that our little girl was in fact passed away. I felt like my entire world had paused. We went back to the doctor’s office. The doctor said that the baby was too big for a D&C and he wanted to give me a week to see if I’d go into labor on my own. If not then we’d schedule an induction. It was horrific knowing that I’d have to carry my baby longer knowing that she was gone. A week went by and I still hadn’t gone into labor. The doctor couldn’t schedule me for induction for another week so I was to go into the hospital on the 21st. I was given two pills to take at home to start labor and I was to be at the hospital at 6am that Friday. I took one pill at 6pm Thursday night and the labor started. I took the next one at 530am Friday and went to the hospital. The labor came on very hard and fast and I didn’t get any pain medication. They expected me to be in labor much longer and as the nurse came in for the epidural the baby was already in the birth canal. Grace Ann Andrews was born Friday August 21st at 9am. There was a heartbreaking silence where there should have been a baby’s cry. The doctor and nurses spoke in hushed tones. The doctor instructed one of the nurses to take the placenta and send it for testing. He said just by looking at everything that he couldn’t see a reason why she had passed. Our little angel weighed 4 ounces and was 6 inches long. She was very red since her skin was still transparent at the stage of development she was in. Our little girl was so tiny that she fit in one hand. She had perfect little hands and perfect little feet and the cutest toes. I was amazed at her. I think she had her daddy’s nose and my face shape. The nurses said she had very long legs and would have been tall. She was a tiny, perfect little angel. I held her for a few moments then I had to rest. It was just exhausting. Later they brought her back into the room with us and we both held her. Her daddy cried holding her. The hospital gave us a memory box with a few little baby items in it – two infant hats, a shawl, a journal, hospital bracelets and a card with her footprints. We took some photos of her wrapped in the little shawl.
We made the choice to have her cremated. She was cremated with her little bunny doll and her pink bunny blanket. Her daddy picked out her urn, a blue heart with a silver rose on it. We liked it because it was the same blue as her eyes. It is tiny and fits in one hand, just like Grace. Her funeral was on August 27th at 2pm with Father Tom Wood officiating. The funeral home set up a table for us with a pretty cloth to set her urn on. We set out a photo of her in a frame that her daddy picked out. We sat out her shawl and her footprint card for people to see. The funeral director presented me with her urn before setting it on the table. The priest blessed it. The service was short. 12 people came to honor our daughter. The funeral home gave us the guest registry and matching cards that were printed with Precious Moments Angels. Afterward we were able to bring her ashes home.
Right now Grace’s ashes are sitting on our dresser next to her framed photo. We bought a bunny doll just like the one she was cremated with and it sits next to her photo. A friend gave us a tiny angel bear and it now sits with Grace's things.
At my follow up appointment the doctor informed us that they had found a blood clot in her cord. He didn’t know why it happened. He put me on aspirin and said during our next pregnancy that I would have to take blood thinners.
Despite all of this we're still hoping for a miracle baby. I know that my girls will send us their little sibling.
Paying it forward
This past year has been such a journey. I've lost two children and through them I have meet such wonderful people and learned so much. I want to honor their memory and make them proud of me. They gave me a gift with their brief lives and this blog is going to be part of how I'm paying it forward.
My dear friend Pam at Compassionate Friends was the first who told me that after losing a child you learn to live a "new normal" because nothing will ever be the same again. That's a very true statement. Some days my goal is just to get out of bed or to smile. Other days my goal is to venture out of the house and buy groceries without crying. As I move on my goals get a little bigger because I'm becoming stronger. I'm not just surviving, I'm starting to live again.
This is a new project for me so this page will evolve and change as I get the hang of it. I'll try to post every day - maybe several times a day. I have a lot I want to say and sometimes it comes in bursts.
And of course I want to say thank you for taking the time to read this.
My dear friend Pam at Compassionate Friends was the first who told me that after losing a child you learn to live a "new normal" because nothing will ever be the same again. That's a very true statement. Some days my goal is just to get out of bed or to smile. Other days my goal is to venture out of the house and buy groceries without crying. As I move on my goals get a little bigger because I'm becoming stronger. I'm not just surviving, I'm starting to live again.
This is a new project for me so this page will evolve and change as I get the hang of it. I'll try to post every day - maybe several times a day. I have a lot I want to say and sometimes it comes in bursts.
And of course I want to say thank you for taking the time to read this.
Monday, October 19, 2009
The Beginning
The purpose of this blog is to tell a story. The story of my daughters, my little angels. The story of how I'm finding ways to live for them.
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