Not so happy holidays

I'm struggling. I still haven't put up a tree or done any decorating. I'm just not sure if I can. I should have a baby here for Christmas. It's just so not fair. It breaks my heart just to think of it. I've tried to explain my feelings to people and tried to reach out but not many people understand how I feel. I read somewhere that the firsts are always hard - the first holiday, the first birthday, the anniversary. I just can't express how true that is. But, for me on top of the first holiday I have my daughter's due date - December 22nd. I was so excited that I was getting a baby for Christmas. Now all that excitement has turned into sadness. Some days I can function and move on, others it's like it all hits me again and I can't breathe. I just don't know what to do.